Okay, I’ve said this before, but it bears talking about in
this forum. I am here to convince you to
stop celebrating Valentine’s Day.
Now I don’t want you to think I’m just some bitter, lonely
man who doesn’t want anyone to have love, just because he can’t find anyone
himself, nor do I wish to be perceived as someone trapped in a loveless
marriage and who hates this holiday because it represents the kind of
spontaneous romance that has gone out of my life.
No, my problem with Valentine’s Day stems from the fact that
I am a romantic. And if there is one
thing you can objectively say about Valentine’s Day (and which I will now prove
with irrefutable evidence and scintillating wit,) is that it is NOT romantic.
And no, I’m not doing any of that pedantic hipster bullshit
‘well technically ‘romantic’ just
means told in the Romance languages, or the vernacular of medieval Europe.’ I hate that shit, but we will have to discuss
that particular phenomenon in another post.
Rather, I will look at what we generally regard as romantic, and show
how V Day simply is not.
So let’s start with our definition of romance (those things
that evoke eros specifically.) Judging by depictions in books, movies, and
sappy Facebook posts from the other 364 days of the year, I think we can all
arrive at a few basic tenets of what comprises the modern ideal of ‘romance.’ In order to be considered romantic, an action
must be the following:
1.
Spontaneous- this is perhaps the biggest aspect
of romance, the idea that one is moved to do something by one’s passions, and
not by any external stimulus. Even if
you plan something ahead, the impulse to do so should not be a calculated
maneuver, but rather based on one’s feelings
2.
Genuine- to be romantic, an action should be
motivated by an honest desire to express an emotion, not driven by any other
impetus.
3.
Dear- by this, I mean it needs to cost the giver something. This does not mean money necessarily, time is
one of the most valuable (and valued) commodities in any gift, as is
thought. If a gift does not cost much, it isn’t worth much.
4.
Specific- a romantic gesture should demonstrate
that you truly understand the other person, and have tailored this action to them, and them alone.
An action (gift, comment, event, etc.) that meets those criteria
could surely be considered romantic by anyone.
I feel that if any of us received/experienced such an action by someone
we cared about, we would feel appreciated and adored.
So now, here is why Valentine’s Day fails at all of those
criteria, and is also crap.
To begin with, let’s look at the obvious one,
spontaneity. Valentine’s Day is about as
unspontaneous as you can get. It is a
day on the calendar when you decide
to be romantic? Surprising your
significant other (and let’s face it, that pretty much means girls, guys are
rarely on the receiving end of gift-giving on Valentine’s Day,) with a gift or
token on this day in no way signifies a spontaneous outpouring of emotion.
The fact that she does not know what you are getting her doesn’t take the place of doing something
as a complete surprise, simply to show you care. And consider what most people get their
chosen mate; cards, candy, flowers, stuffed animals, fancy dinners, etc., all
festooned with the pre-selected symbols and color schemes of the holiday. These are all the standard fare, and it is
simply tradition to give such things.
But if you get the traditional trappings, is that truly
spontaneous? And the fact that you get
her anything at all on this particular day, how can you honestly say it is
because you love her? There is no way to
separate the impulse to please with simply following the tradition and joining
the throng.
Is it romance or just peer pressure?
I’m not doubting your love, I’m just saying that expressing
it on this day is not inherently romantic, and not in any way noteworthy.
And that leads me to our next point; Valentine’s Day does
not foster genuine sentiment. Don’t
believe me? Let’s apply some logic.
Don’t look at me like that.
If everyone celebrates Valentine’s Day by purchasing gifts
or otherwise expressing their love (even in special, thoughtful, and
extravagant ways,) then if you do it, you cannot truly claim that you are being
genuinely romantic by doing the same thing as everyone else.
If you are moving in lockstep (even if it is in quarter
time,) with the rest of the world robs your action of meaning. You cannot separate such actions from any
other holiday-based behavior, like wearing tacky bowlers and drinking green
beer on St. Patrick’s Day, wearing sombreros and drinking Coronas on Cinco de
Mayo, or wearing glittery top hats and drinking champagne on New Year’s Eve.
All are rather meaningless holidays to most who celebrate
them (ask the average person who St Patrick was or what happened on May 5th,)
and are largely an excuse to drink.
Almost nobody in America takes them seriously, but we celebrate them
because they are fun. That’s fine, as is
celebrating Valentine’s Day for fun, but don’t mistake it for romance.
But the truly nasty part of this is that it can never be a
truly genuine display of affection as long as there is a perceived aspect of
obligation. If you ‘have to’ do
something for your girl of Valentine’s Day, then why should you get credit for
doing anything at all? We all make jokes
about how much trouble a man would find himself in if he failed to do at least
some token gesture on this meaningless day.
And guys like to say, “but I’m a romantic, I want to do this crap for my girl!” But what about the rest of the year? If we ask your girl how often you do such
things, will she have the same assessment?
How about this men, if you want to find out if your love is
what she cares about on this day, rather than hollow displays, try this; when
you see your woman, tell her you chose not to buy in to all this cheap,
commercialized crap, and that you don’t need a calendar to tell you when to
show your love. Tell her that you got
her a kiss, and that it may not be much, but that it’s a gift you will be happy
to give on any day of the year.
I’ve been telling guys to do that for a decade, and none of
‘em yet have been dumb enough to even try.
‘Genuine show of love’ my ass.
Next, let’s talk about expense. On any gift-giving holiday, we constantly
drone on about how it is the thought that counts. And yet that is exactly what most people
refuse to spend.
And I do mean spend.
Giving money is easy, but actually applying thought to a subject is
taxing for many, and they refuse to do so.
Instead, we follow tradition (again,) and buy gifts for the people we
love.
But what do we tend to give?
If you are one of those people who makes something by hand for your
loved ones, or who cooks a special meal for them, fine. You are nice, and we will let you slide on
this one (go back and reread the previous to see why it doesn’t matter anyway,
sorry.)
No, most people (and remember, I spend most of my time
around high school students, so I’ve got a pretty skewed view admittedly,) buy
CRAP. If it’s pink and has hearts on it,
it’s good enough for Valentine’s Day.
These things (even the really high quality, well-made crap,)
cost us nothing but money. A $.99 teddy bear covered in little hearts
is worth about the same as a $50.00 giant bear covered in little hearts. Sure, you spent more cash, but the same
amount of thought.
And if you do equate the value of the gesture with how much
money you spend (diamonds, anyone?) then you are putting price tag on the love
itself. There is a Norse myth on this
subject, where Odin is travelling with Thor and Loki and they accidentally kill
a man’s son, Otter. They offer to pay
for Otter’s life in gold, and this act allows Gullveig, the giantess who
personifies greed, into Asgard.
Okay, that was a bit of a tangent, but you should read it on
your own, it will make more sense.
The point is that love should require something of you if it is to have any meaning. It should cost thought, effort, and change,
and buying a heart-shaped box of chocolates is simply not an adequate symbol of
such love in my opinion.
Finally, romance needs to be specific. If you were watching a movie, and it showed a
man how gives a girl a token gift, say a stuffed animal with some message on
it, the audience might think him sweet.
If they then showed that this man has a stockpile of the same gift, just
waiting for a girl to appear, we would know that we are supposed to see him as
a douchebag.
But how is that any different than buying a Valentine’s Day
gift at Walgreens? Even if you spend
what you think is an appropriate amount of money on it, and it doesn’t have
that desperate, ghetto, made-in-China look to it, in what was is this thing
specific to the one you love?
Think about it, how many women want stuffed animals the rest
of the year? And even among those who
do, how many of them want pink-heart festooned bears? How often, ladies, have you sat around in mid
August, wishing you had a small teddy bear dressed as Cupid glued to a plastic
basket? Not the act of someone giving
you a gift, but wanted that kind of thing?
Try bringing a girl a rectangular box of assorted chocolates
in May. See the reaction you get. Seriously, try that, I’m interested in the
results, and I’m certainly not brave enough to attempt it.
We buy the same crap everyone else does, because we want to
fit in. We are crowd-sourcing our
affection, and I for one do not feel I need guidance on how to show love.
Want to show a woman (or a man, but that’s really not
necessary in most cases,) that you care?
Listen to all the stupid crap they keep talking about. You know all that really annoying crap that
you couldn’t care less about? Care more
about it. Learn the names of the
characters in that show they watch, understand the difference between twin overhead
cams and a hemi, or learn what casting on or purl mean, or maybe learn the
names of their coworkers.
All of that sucks.
But that’s the point; you are willing to do that crap for them, because you love them. And you can’t get that from Walgreen’s on the
way home.
In the end, I know none of this is going to make any difference. People celebrate this holiday because they
like it. And everything I’ve pointed out
has been pointed out before, and most people can see it for themselves when
they care enough to look.
But if I can get just one guy, who’s lived his entire life
snowed under by this load of crap, and to reject it and realize that any girl
who would be upset by not receiving anything on Valentine’s Day isn’t worth
marrying, I will have saved the world from at least one messy divorce.
Then again, with the economy the way it is, go out and buy
all the tacky crap you can, just try your best to buy American, if at all
possible.
And I promise you want have to hear me talk about Valentine’s
Day until Christmas, when I really
piss some people off.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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