A Letter To My Daughter, For When She Is Grown

Dear Grace,

You are only a little girl right now, but you are growing up so fast.  It won’t be too long until you are leaving for college, and then making your own way in the world.  But chances are, you will not want to be alone for very long.  You will want to find a man with which to share your life (unless you end up being inclined towards women, in which case skip this section and read the letter to your brother below.)

One day, you will find the perfect man, and he will be everything you ever dreamed of.  His soul, his mind, his appearance, everything will seem to be made specifically to suit your tastes.  He will fill your life with hours and hours of joy, and every moment you spend with him will seem like a dream.  Perfect.

But eventually, he will leave you, as do all of the perfect ones.  He will die, or simply stop showing up, or else he will change into someone different, a pale shadow of his former self.  But whatever happens to take him away from you, you can always go back and reread the earlier books and enjoy your time with this fictional man all over again.

Because only the ones in books are perfect.

As for the real world, there will be many men you will meet.  When you finally find one that you think is right for you, he will suffer in comparison to your first, literary love.

He will lack many of the desired traits, he will fail at goals he sets for himself, he will let you down, he will let himself down, and he will make mistakes.  Many, many mistakes.

He will not be perfect.

But if he is worthwhile, you can make him better.  With love, patience and encouragement, you can provide those things that he is missing to make him a better (and more worthy) person.  And you will know when he is the right one, because when he is with you, you feel that he is making you better too.

And if you do not feel that he is changing you, while changing for you, politely excuse yourself from the relationship and find another.

Of course, there are some things that should be deal breakers: lying, cheating, refusing to try or apply himself, rudeness, devaluing you, or making anything other than you his priority, these are all perfectly valid reasons to end your association with him.  And if he should ever hit you?

Let Daddy take care of that.  Daddy knows some guys.  Big guys.  Daddy will leave you the number in case he is no longer around when it happens.

But there are other flaws that can be overcome.  Minor habits can be broken, annoying behaviors can be changed, misspent energy can be redirected.  Give him some time to fix himself.  As long as you believe he wants to change, he’s worth giving the chance.  If a man has sufficient motivation, he can overcome anything.  And if being with you is not sufficient motivation, it’s time to move on.

But don’t forget, you may need to change some too.  Even though we say that we will never compromise who we are, we as humans are constantly changing as a necessary part of life.  There’s nothing wrong with changing as part of forming a family.  As long as you still feel like you, the new aspects of your personality should fit right in and make you happy.  If they don’t?  See above.

That’s all I can tell you sweetie, other than avoid drunkards, junkies, and rabid sports fans.  Let them fix themselves first, before asking you to invest any work in the project. 

Also, PLEASE don’t marry a teacher.  Or if you do, make sure you have a real job yourself.  Teachers can be wonderful people, but they will never be able to support a family.

And remember that I love you always, and will respect whatever choices you make.

…and that my clear disapproval of said choices is simply part of the vetting process.  Don’t take it personally.

Love,

Your Father

Dear Arthur,

I got nothing for you, kid.  Bitches be crazy, good freaking luck.

Love,

Dad.