Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Tasty Flesh: An Evolutionary Fable


In the great grey void of the Beforetime, the long line of animals stretched out as far as the eye could see, which in that infinite plain was pretty far.

The line led up to a small kiosk, its striped canvas sides hanging limp in the absence of any wind.  The kiosk, whose faded sign bore the legend “Epimethean Assignments Here,” divided the animals into two groups.  Those who had been to the kiosk already milled about around the back of the structure, already decked out in their selected finery, their shapes finally fixed and solid.

Striped coats and scaly hides were proudly displayed, as horns, hooves, tails and feathers were inspected and compliments were exchanged.  The avians showed off their wings, which they felt would serve them well in the great game of survival, while the fish scoffed at their choice, boasting that their choice was far superior, granting them almost unlimited access to the majority of the Earth’s surface.

The great cats gathered together, smugly displaying their claws and teeth, confident that they would win the coveted ‘apex predator’ niche in their chosen environments.  The canines smiled to themselves, confident in their belief that their keen senses would give the felines a run for their money.

Each of the animals had chosen the features they felt would give them the edge of their rival species, and every one had a ‘sure fire’ strategy that would put them in the lead.  Speed, strength, ferocity or cunning, each animal had chosen a path, and each was secure that they had chosen the wisest.

On the other side of the kiosk, the animals who had not yet chosen waited in an orderly line.  They were nothing but hazy outlines, their forms not yet set.  There was lots of talk and speculation amongst them as to what they should choose, as well as concerns as to what gifts would still be available.

Drawing nearer and nearer to the front, Cow began to fret again as yet another animal, Bear, walked away with strength, size and claws.  This had been Cow’s choice, and with so many choosing the same traits, he was concerned that he would be left with nothing.

“Whatcha gettin’?”  Asked the hazy outline behind him.

“I wanted big and strong with sharp teeth and claws, but it looks like they might run out.”

The other shape, Pig, clucked in sympathy.  “Tough break, pal.”  When Cow did not ask the same in return, it added, “I was thinking long legs and speed, for stalking prey, and maybe venom to kill them quickly.  That should be an effective combo in almost any habitat.”

From behind Pig, the next shape in line chimed in, “Not me!  I’m getting wings, talons, a razor sharp beak, the whole works!  But especially wings.  I’m gonna be able to fly so high, I’m gonna look down on everyone!  People will look up and say, ‘that Chicken is a class act,’ you bet!”

Cow ignored them both.  He was listening to the animal who had just made it to the kiosk.

“Name?” came the voice behind the counter.

“Puma.”

‘What can I get you?”

Puma clearly knew exactly what he wanted.  “I want speed, increased reflexes, claws, teeth, enhanced senses, and the predator instinct package.”

“Another great cat, huh?” asked the voice, unimpressed.

“Yeah, I figure I can take a top predator niche and hold it, maybe in the jungle.”

The voice did not respond, but simply outfitted puma with his options.

“Hey, shouldn’t I be bigger?  And what’s with this bland coloration?  Tiger got stripes!”

“You got what we have, pal.  That’s the last great cat outfit, so move on.  Next!”

Puma slinked away, still grumbling as the next shape in line drifted forward.  Cow began to feel even more apprehensive that the features he wanted would not be available.

“Man, I hope they still have claws at least,” he said under his breath.

“Yes?” came the voice of the shape directly in front of him.

“What?”

“You said my name,” said Man.

“Oh, no, it was just an expression.  I was just talking to myself; I’m a little worried they won’t have what I want left by the time I get up there.”

“I know what you mean,” said Man.  “There’s only one of what I’m hoping for, and so far no one has taken it.”

Cow was puzzled.  “What are you hoping to get?”

“Sapience.”

Cow looked behind him to see if Pig and Chicken were also hearing this, as he couldn’t believe his- well, he didn’t have ears yet, but he still couldn’t believe it.  But the other two continued their boasting.

“Uh, you do realize that sapience is like, the worst build you can do, right?”

Man remained unperturbed.  “No, I’ve worked it all out.  Sapience will let me win for sure.”

“You realize that if you take sapience, that’s all you get, right?  No claws, or horns, or armor or anything.”

“Oh, I know all that.  It will be hard going at the beginning, but I’m thinking long term.”

Cow remained incredulous.  Behind him, Pig and Chicken had stopped their squabbling to listen.

“What do you mean, ‘long term?’”

“Well sapience allows me to adapt to any new environment or situation.”

“But you have no fur, what happens if you get cold?”

Man was clearly getting excited to explain his grand plan.  “I can use tools to build a shelter.”

“Tools?  You mean using something that’s not even part of you?  How will that help?”

“Oh, tools can let me do all sorts of things.  I can make weapons to protect myself, I will be able to move things far too heavy to lift, and I can even build traps to catch prey without having to chase it.”

Cow was thoughtful for a while.  “But won’t you get eaten a lot?”

“Certainly, at first.  But the game is survival of the species, right?  It doesn't matter what happens to a few individuals, as long as the species thrives as a whole.  Well as time goes on, I’ll just get smarter and smarter.  ”

“How is that?” asked Chicken, who seemed to have forgotten all about his discussion with Pig.

“Well, sapience allows me to communicate ideas.  Each generation will try things out, and pass down what they learned to their children.  Eventually, there will be so much knowledge that the later generations won’t have to work as hard as the others.  Before too long, I’ll have huge settlements, and I’ll just continue to get better and better.

“Wait,” asked Pig disdainfully, “how could you possibly feed that many of you?  You’d hunt or graze your way through all the available food in an area and starve to death.”

Man was quiet for a moment.  “Well you’re right, I guess I’ll have to start small, in little groups moving around a lot.  But with sapience, I’ll be able to figure out a way to make the plants grow where I want them.  And If I run out of prey for hunting, I figure I can find ways to keep other animals around for my food when I need it.”

“You’re going to kill animals but not eat them?  That’s stupid,” scoffed chicken.

“No, I’m not going to kill them, I will just overpower them and keep them alive with me.  I’ll feed them and take care of them, and then only kill a few to eat when I need to.”

“That’s obscene,” whispered Pig.

But by then, it was Man’s turn.  He glided up to the counter.

“Name?”

“Man.”

“What can I get for you?”

“Sapience.”

There was a pause.  “You’re sure?”

“Yup.  Set me up.”

“Okay then.  Give me a minute, I have to go in the back to find it.”

Pig and Chicken turned to Cow.  “Do you think he’s got a chance?” Asked Pig.

“I think he’s a looney,” chimed in Chicken.

But Cow remained quiet.  He had been thinking hard about what Man had said, and began to ponder what sapience could mean.  Before he knew it, Man was done, and walked away in all his upright, naked frailty.  He had nothing whatsoever to defend himself with, and yet he carried himself so confidently, so secure, so…erect.

“I said, what can I get for you?”

“Oh sorry,” said Cow, snapping out of his reverie.  He looked around thoughtfully, thinking of his dreams of claws and teeth, suddenly feeling that nothing would allow him to compete.

“Look, there’s a line, buddy.  What’s it going to be?”

Cow gave it one last thought.  This would be forever, after all.  “What else do you have in the back?”

***

Scorpion looked up and addressed the small group of animals standing around him.  “So I figured between the armored exoskeleton, the pinching claws, and the poisonous stinger, I stand a pretty good chance in the lightweight class.”

Dog nodded in appreciation.  “Good call.  I may not have gotten the larger size I was hoping for, but I’ve got some real versatility in this build, I think I might even have a shot at a top predator niche if I pick the right habitat.”

“Ha!  Not if you end up in my territory, you won’t!”  Horse rattled his long coat of spines and scratched his talons against the ground.

“Well maybe, but-“ Dog froze mid sentence as Cow approached.  “Cow?  Is that you?  What the hell did you get?”

Cow approached slowly on his blocky hooves, his bulk swaying back and forth.  “I chose strong back, useful skin, and tasty flesh.”

“Wow, what were you, last in line?” asked Horse.

“Nope.  I’ve finally got this game figured out.”

“How the hell are you going to make it like that?” asked Cat.  “I mean, you have flat teeth like a herbivore, but you are far too slow to ever escape danger by running.  You’re just way too big.”  Cat had been the last of the felines, and was stuck with a laughably small size, which made him a little sensitive as to the size issue.

“I won’t have to run, or to defend myself in any way.  I’m going to get someone else to do it for me.”

Dog turned his head sideways, which felt right somehow, and he decided to take a note of that for later.  “How are you going to sucker another animal to do all your work?”

“Do you see that pink primate over there?”

Horse craned his neck to see, “Oh yeah, the naked guy?  He’s toast in round one, for sure.”

“Nope.  He’s got sapience, and I’ve been running through the possibilities, and that guy is going to win, hands down.”

The others laughed.  “He’s got nothing!  No protective covering, no claws, no sting, no speed, hell, even Scorpion could take him out.  How do you think he’s going to survive?”

Cow fixed them all with his big eyes.  “He’s got sapience.  And that means no matter how many times you kill him, the rest will learn from your attacks, and learn to counter them.  He can build tools that will replicate any features we have.  He might even figure out how to fly without wings, who knows?”

The others seemed taken aback by this revelation.  “Sapience can do all that?”

“Yup, and there’s only one.  That guy is going to rule the whole play area in a few short rounds.  And a lot of these other guys?” he gestured to the various groups of other animals, “a lot of them are going to be wiped out entirely, you mark my word.  This guy is going to take the whole enchilada.”

Dog tried the sideways head thing again.  “But how does that help you, then?”

“My traits make me useful to Man.  He’s going to want to keep me around, so he’ll actually protect me.  He’ll make me a home, take me with me when he has to move, and even fight predators for me.”

“What does Man get?”

“He kills a certain number of me, uses my meat and skin, and puts me to work pulling stuff.  It’s an amazingly sweet deal.  When this guy heads to the winning circle, I’m going with him!”

Horse ruffled his spines, “wow, now I feel stupid for picking these spines.”

“Go back and trade them in,” offered Cow.   “Trade in the claws and spines for speed and strong back.”  When Horse still seemed confused, Cow explained, “Man can’t run fast or carry much, so if you offer to carry him, he will feed and take care of you.”

“But how will I protect myself from predators without the spines?”

“Man will fight them for you!  I’m telling you guys, this is the way to do it.  Listen, Pig and Chicken were behind me in line, and they’re in on this deal too.  Chicken took tasty flesh, and this weird deal where your unfertilized young are somehow useful, I’m not sure how it works, but he’s set forever.  He had to give up most of his dreams of flight, but he’s going to be happier in the long run.”

“What about Pig?” asked Dog.

“Oh he just kept taking tasty flesh over and over again.  He can’t do much of anything, but that guy should be crazy delicious.”

“I’m going to go see if they still have any speed and strong back left!” shouted Horse over his shoulder as he scuttled away.

“I’m going to go make friends with Man!” shouted Dog, his tail wagging.

“What about you, Cat?”

“Hmmm.  I don’t want to commit to anything, but I’ll consider it.  By the way Cow, I notice you still chose horns.  If your'e so gung-ho on this ‘friend of Man’ idea, why the horns?”

Cow cracked a sly grin.  “Well…just in case, you know?”

No comments:

Post a Comment