Spock to Spock Communications

Okay, I know it's been a while since I posted, but I have been rather busy with the end of the school year.  My wife and I do not get to go out to movies often, and can usually only do so when our kids are staying at their grandmother's house, often because we are attending seminar or some other such reason, which is the situation currently.

So the other night we finally got to go see Star Trek: Into Darkness.  Some other time, I will ramble on about the ridiculous plot, but for now I will just say that it is a movie with great visuals, and I will probably watch it agains some day on TV just for the fun and action.  But you really need to not use your brain while watching it (that's what going out afterward with nerdy friends is for!)

I thought I might repost here something I wrote after watching the first reboot film a couple of years ago.  I realize that the new film may have rendered some of this redundant, but I still think it's worth a read.  Share and enjoy!

To: Captain James T. Kirk

From: Spock (the one from the original timeline)

Well, I guess I'm trapped in this idiotic, lens-flared alternate continuity, while all the noble adventures I had with my friends have been rendered null and void. C'est la vie right?

But I thought I'd save you some great adventures of your own by throwing a few spoilers your way about what's going to happen to you on the Enterprise.

1. Fuck tribbles. Like seriously, burn on sight, I'm not even even kidding. 

2. Gary Mitchell will get god-like powers and electrocute the shit out of you. Transfer him off the ship.

3. Romulans look like Vulcans. Just leave them alone.

4. Same for the Tholians.

5. Study chemistry, like how to make gunpowder from common rocks. Trust me on this one.

6. EVERY SINGLE Federation anthropologist will make the galaxy a worse place, ensuring that you will have to fight space Nazis and gangsters all over the place.

7. In a couple of years, you will encounter a ship dead in space. It will be called the Botany Bay. Photon torpedo that piece of shit to oblivion immediately, then phaser the particulate remains. Really trust me on this, it could save MY life.

8. V'ger is the Voyager probe. I just saved you a stupid amount of boring, wasted time.

9. Every woman you hook up with is doomed. Sorry pal.

10. Lastly, one day I might get sprayed by some flowers, and go all space hippy and fall in love. LEAVE ME THE FUCK THERE! I WILL NEVER BE HAPPIER.

So yeah, gotta go lament that my entire universe has been rewritten so some whiny frat boy with dead father issues can sully the name of the talented, hard-working officer that I knew, the one who earned captaincy of the Enterprise through years of hard work, instead of being the last one alive.

Live long and suck it,

Spock (the original.)