Monday, June 24, 2013

Let's Put The 'Super' Back In The Super Bowl

Science fiction is all about asking questions about how currently impossible things would change the human condition. Comic book superheroes are one form of science fiction (Siegel & Schuster thought so, nuff said,) so here's today's question: How would sports & the Olympics be changed in the Marvel universe?

To start, the Olympics would have to ban mutants from competing. This was touched on as early as 1963 when Magneto disguised the Toad and had him compete in a hurdles event. Later, Northstar was forced to turn in his medals for skiing after his super speed powers were discovered (not for any...other revelations.) How would that be received as a civil rights issue?

How would you detect potential mutant competitors without violating human rights, and not cause an international incident when the Russians won't allow their competitor, a 98 pound girl who can lift 800kg in the weightlifting competition to test?

And what if you were a pyrokinetic mutant who had trained as a gymnast? If your power has no bearing on your event, would the ban still prohibit you from competing, and how would you prove it?

But what about professional sports? Could a mutant play major league baseball? Imagine the home run record of a super strong batter. Catchers would get the hell out of the way of a ball that punch through them like a leather-covered bullet, and stadia would have to be redesigned (and reinforced.) There wouldn't be many openings left for flatscans, and that sure as hell isn't gonna help the whole human/mutant relations issue. Magneto destroying a bridge full of people is nothing compared to what happens when a mutant speedster running back makes the Super Bowl a boring 150-0 shutout.

And even if you resolved the mutant issue, there are plenty of other ways to obtain superpowers. Anyone remember the Unlimited Class Wrestling? Those guys weren't exactly registered. Sure, if a seven-foot-tall armadillo tries to slip on a jersey, plenty will call foul. But how do you tell if a normal-looking guy has been to the Power Brokers for a dose of super strength and invulnerability?

What about magic? Does the government (and the various governing bodies of professional sports,) acknowledge the existence of magic? Could the Canadian Olympic teams wear talismans created by Talisman? Would martial arts competitions have to start patting down participants for tiger amulets? If Doctor Strange shows up to a Jets game in his jersey, could the opposing team challenge the final score if there are a suspicious amount of fumbles? Could he be forced to prove he DIDN'T use the powers of the Vishanti to affect the game?

And then there's the whole religion side of it. Teams love to thank Jesus for their victory, but all it takes is one Odin worshipper (probably a Minnesota fan,) to call on the great monocular one for help to cast suspicion on the outcome of the game. And what about 
actual gods on the gridiron?

Ban mutants and altered humans all you want, do the rules include avatars of Cyttorak? Because if Cain Marko gets a pardon and needs some quick cash, football season is over. You can just save time and hand the trophy to whichever team hired Juggernaut this season (gonna need to order a bigger ring, as well.)

Mister Fantastic in the NBA, Bobby Drake in the NHL, Mentallo at a Poker tournament, or the Hulk in ANYTHING; sports would be over.

Or...

What if the Marvel world embraced that? We already look the other way when baseball players swell up like Bruce Banner after watching Glenn Beck, so why not go the whole nine yards (which would have to be extended to eighteen yards,) and let the superheroes dominate the games?

You'd still have to ban mutants, because a Marvel universe without genotype racism would be unthinkable, but allow gamma rays, vita rays, Miraclo pills (I know, I know,) cybernetics, ancient totem relics and any other modifications.

You'd need bigger gridirons, heavier basketballs and adamantium bats, but think of the spectacle. Not to mention nearly eliminating super crime. If your choices are 1) build a mechanical stilt suit and rob high rise apartments till some guy in long johns kicks your ass or 2) build a mechanical stilt suit and become the Inimitable Dunkman, earning 3.2 million a year, what do you think Mr. Day will pick?

Shit, I might watch sports in that world.

Except golf. Still boring.

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