Seven Score And Nine Years Ago

“Well gentlemen, Doctor Lamarche assures me that his time machine is almost fully prepared, and we will should be ready to proceed as early as tomorrow morning!”

Carl beamed at the men and women arrayed around the table, his arms spread wide for effect.  Seeing only stony faces above their nametags in response, he continued, endeavoring to rally enthusiasm for the project.

“Figure a few weeks of training to adapt the subject to the twenty-first century, and he should be ready to accept the nomination for president for the Republican Party, and usher in a bold new era for the GOP!”

Once again, instead of the eager adulations he’d anticipated, the men and women around the table glanced at each other and shifted in their seats.  At the far end of the table, the Chairman fixed Carl with a steely gaze.

“There’s been some discussion about the subject,” he stated flatly.

Carl’s mind raced, desperate to head off any further delays or debates.  He’d spent weeks selling a radical scientific breakthrough to a bunch of men who’d made their careers on denying science.

“I can assure you sir, there will be no complications.  We simply snatch the subject away right before his death, and replace him with a duplicate, that way history is never the wiser.  We’ve calculated that-“

“That’s all well and good, Mr. Hinton, but our problem isn’t with the process, it’s with the particular choice of subject.”

Carl was flabbergasted.  The entire point of the project had revolved around the subject.  Decades of research, years of testing and months and months of wrangling to get the biggest political players on board, not to mention the millions spent in developing the technology: it had all been for the single purpose of bringing him to the present in order to save the Republican party.

 “I thought we had agreed that he was the man we need to revitalize the party?”  Carl looked around the room for a show of support, but received only more displays of stoicism in return.

“Mister Hinton, the individuals gathered here are some of the top minds in the country on today’s issues, and they have all been advising me on this potential candidate’s suitability.  There have been some concerns that he does not have the political and ideological profile necessary to appeal to the Republican base.”  The chairman smiled avuncularly, signally a terminal finality to the discussion.

Several long seconds passed by, broken only by Carl’s ragged breathing as he struggled to find his words.

“But it’s Abraham Fucking Lincoln!” he finally spluttered incredulously.  “The first Republican!  THE Republican!  He freed the slaves for Christ’s sake; kept the Union together during the Civil Damn War; was martyred after victory!  There has never been… Hell, will probably never be a more tailor-made candidate to assure victory!  How can you possibly have concerns?”

During this tirade, the uncomfortable shifting had increased until one would have thought Carl’s audience had all simultaneously developed severe rectal itching.  The chairman however, remained passive, and continued on as if Carl’s outburst had never occurred.

“Yes, you see there’s some concern over Mr. Lincoln’s political record; a few irregularities that do not sit well with the current party position.”

Carl gathered his composure.  Perhaps, he thought, he could still salvage this proposition.  Perhaps if he could address their issues, he could convince them the plan was still tenable. 

“What...ah, concerns do you have?”

The Chairman sighed, clearly annoyed at having to spell out what he saw as obvious. 

“Firstly, there is his lack of support for states’ rights.”

“I’m sorry, ‘states’ rights’?”

The Chairman nodded to a balding man at his left, whose ID tag identified him as an advisor on national politics, who immediately opened a file folder and began thumbing through it.  “Appalling record, the worst of any president.”

“How is that?”

“Well you have to admit, Mr. Hinton, there has never been a more sharply-defined conflict between state vs. federal rights than during Lincoln’s administration.  And he clearly came down on the wrong side of that conflict, siding as powerfully as possible with the federal government.”

“You- you’re talking about slavery, aren’t you?”

The balding man frowned.  “I don’t see how the actual issue has any bearing on the discussion, the point is Lincoln chose to support the federal government in its attempt to suppress the rights of individual states to govern themselves.”

“By which you mean slavery!  The only issue the states were up in arms about was slavery!”

“Now hold on there, Mr. Hinton,” interjected the portly man with glasses sitting closest to Carl.  “Every schoolchild knows there was more to the Civil War than slavery.”

“At least they do now,” snickered a woman wearing the ID tag of ‘education,’ eliciting a round of chuckling from the assembly.

The portly economics advisor continued, “Yes, the states’ rights issue went hand in hand with the economic factors at the time, and Mr. Lincoln did abysmally in that regard.”

“Whu-“ began Carl, his brow furrowing.

“Oh yes, his blatantly anti-business policies were devastating for several industries, most notably the agricultural interests in the South.  His administration went well beyond excessive regulation of industrial sectors; he outright broke the back of one of America’s most lucrative import/export trades.  In addition, the transportation industries took a hit due to the terrible decline in transport infrastructure during his presidency.”

“Are you talking about the sabotage of the railroads during the Civil War?”

The Chairman broke in at this.  “Let’s not split hairs, Mr. Hinton.  There are plenty of other factors involved here.  Barry, talk about his immigration record.”

A man in a dark blue suit spoke up.  “The subject openly supported a path to citizenship for foreign workers.  I don’t need to tell you how unpopular that idea is these days.”

“Oh my God, you’re talking about slaves?  They weren’t foreign workers, they were brought here against their will!”

The man in the blue suit blinked irritably.  “Well now you’re just nitpicking.”

“And what about his rotten war record?” shouted a man in the uniform of an Army colonel.

“What do you mean?  He won the Civil War, surely no one can debate that?”

The Colonel shook his head disgustedly.  “Sure he ‘won,’ but at what cost? Some 700,000 or so American dead, and zero foreign casualties.  No other president has ever seen that level of losses, and no other president has ever allowed a war to spill over onto American soil.  And what profit did the American people see from that war?  Nothing.  No new territories conquered, no new sources of resources secured, no grateful new allies, nothing but graveyards full of dead soldiers.”

“But it was a civil war, of course there were a lot of American casualties; both sides were Americans!”

“Americans defending themselves against government oppression!” chimed in the NRA representative.  "Let’s not forget that during Lincoln’s presidency, thousands of guns were confiscated from U.S. citizens, an unparalleled gun grab that will surely put patriotic Americans of today on the defensive.”

Carl could hardly believe his ears.  “How- that is totally different, they were disarming rebels after an armed revolt!”

“Put all the Liberal spin on it you want, Mr. Hinton, that’s still not something that will be forgotten by the 2^nd amendment-loving people of today.”

Any rebuttal Carl might have made was curtailed by a pretty blonde in a low-cut top.  The nametag below her well-displayed décolletage identified her as an advisor on public image.  “All of these are excellent points, but it is doubtful the American people would ever even hear about them; his image rating is so poor, he probably wouldn’t make it to the first debate before the American people wrote him off.”

The Chairman gestured for her to continue as she rounded on Carl.

“We’ve done extensive focus testing, and there isn’t a makeover artist in the world that could fix him up.  There are just too many iconic pictures of him, he would never be able to shake that image.”  She began listing flaws on her exquisitely manicured nails, “His skin is terrible, the chinstrap beard is a nonstarter, his taste in hats is laughable, he’s got that glassy-eyed stare and he’s way too tall.”  As an after thought she explained “the focus groups identify height with basketball, and we don’t need another ‘basketball president’ do we?”  A murmur of assent ran around the table.

“Surely all those things are just superfic-“

“And that’s just the visual cues.  There’s all sorts of other factors.  According to reports, his voice is entirely unsuited to a television presidency, his wife is a train wreck, and with two movies about him released recently, he may come off as a little too 'Hollywood elite' for the base.  And then there’s the other issue… I’m afraid there are too many rumors on that point to ignore.”

The Chairman brought the matter to a close.  “I’m afraid, Mr. Hinton, that we simply cannot gamble the future of this party on such a questionable candidate.”

Carl’s shoulders slumped, defeated.  “So I guess I will just go tell Doctor Lamarche to scrap his machine.”

“Now hold on there, Mr. Hinton” continued the Chairman, the avuncular smile returning, “we still believe in the program, we simply want you to acquire a different subject.”  The advisors all nodded, smiling at Carl.

“Wh- who were you considering?” he asked tremulously.

“Our first choice was Reagan,” chirped the economics advisor.

“But polls showed that there are still too many voters alive who actually remember his presidency,” added the public image consultant.

The Chairman smiled “we’ve found a more suitable candidate, one whose political views are more in line with the party’s current views, and who is a better fit for today’s political climate.”

Carl looked around “So…you want us to bring back…”

“Richard Nixon.”

The advisors all beamed at Carl, who stood rigid with disbelief.  “N- Nixon?  How in the…why?”

“Well you have to remember, the world is a different place now.  People are more open to what Nixon has to say these days.”  The advisors all nodded enthusiastically.  “The American voters want a strong leader, a leader who knows how to play the politics game, someone who won’t get us in a war in the Middle East, someone who can deal with China.  These are important concepts Mr. Hinton, and Nixon has a proven track record in those areas.”

“But he was a crook!  He spied on Americans, and tried to cover it up by erasing the tapes!”

The Chairman waved his hand dismissively.  “Oh, the American people are pretty much over caring about that kind of stuff these days, he’ll fit right in.”