The N Word

When you are a parent, there are some things you just have to accept as inevitable, and some talks you will have to have with your child, no matter how distasteful it may be to you.

My little girl will be starting kindergarten next year, beginning her decade-long journey through the public school system.  As a public teacher myself, I know she will be able to get a fine education, supplemented (naturally,) by enrichment from her parents and her own self-motivated studies in books and on the internet.

But she will also encounter other children, and be exposed to all kinds of ideas without her parents’ filtering, as it should be, so that she can learn to judge and discern values on her own.

And that means learning all sorts of language, appropriate or otherwise.  Now as an English major, I have a problem with the notion of ‘bad words.’  I see them as ‘appropriate to the current situation’ and ‘not.’

We do curse around our kids, even when we are trying not to, and my daughter has learned that there are words that she is not to say, and we have explained why.  She will need to learn how to determine what words one uses in various situations, and I feel she needs to learn much of this on her own, but I do my best to foster a relationship where she can ask me about things, so that I can try to give her some guidance on this and other subjects.

But there are words that I detest.  Hateful, hurtful slurs and epithets that may not be appropriate for any situation, and I make sure my children do not hear them at home.  But when she gets to school, all bets are off.

So one day, it is inevitable, my daughter will come home from school, probably having heard an angry exchange between classmates, and ask me about the N-word.  My response, and the exchange that follows, may go like this:

“Sweetie, that is not a nice word.  It is a word meant to hurt people, and to belittle them as human beings, make them seem less valuable than others, and justify treating them badly.”

“Oh.”

“Where did you hear it, honey?”

“Some boys were picking on this one girl, calling her that, and she was crying.”

“Yes, honey, when people like to use words like that, it usually shows that they are bullies.  That word has been used to hurt people for years.”

“But why do people use it?”

“Well, usually it’s because people are afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Yes.  Human beings are often scared of things they don’t understand.  When we meet people who are different, in the way they look, how they speak, how they dress, what they do, or any number of things, it often makes us feel confused.  That confusion can make people feel weak in a way, and that makes them feel small and afraid.  Those are not pleasant emotions, so to feel better, we often turn those feelings into anger, hate, and feelings of superiority.  Violence is usually not far behind such thoughts.”

“But Daddy, I hear people use it when they aren’t even mad.  There are kids in my class that I like that call each other that word, and no one seems to get hurt by it.”

“That is very common.  You see, when a word is given so much power by hatred and violence, the people who have been hurt by that word want to take that power away.  They do this by using it in other contexts, denying the word’s power by making it too common to have any special impact.  They turn the word into a playful taunt or else strip it of all emotion, rendering it just another word.”

“Does that make it okay to say it?”

“I don’t think so.  The word still has a history, and not everyone believes that you can take away all the hurt that word has caused.  So to respect those people, people who have lived experiences you may not be able to appreciate, you should really avoid using that word at all.  It’s just polite.”

And then will come the part of this conversation I truly dread:

“But  Daddy, I hear you and Mommy use it at home.”

I will have to face my own shame and reject my own hypocrisy.  I will look my little girl right in the face and say:

“Baby, that’s because Mommy and I are nerds.  So we’ve earned the right to say it.”