Pet Shop Sketch

"How may I help you, ma'm?" asked the smiling clerk behind the counter.

The woman, the only customer in the store, glanced around at all the cages, tanks and aquaria with look of consternation on her face.

"I want some kind of...pet I guess, but I don't really know what kind I want."

"Oh that's no problem, ma'am.  I'm sure we can find an animal for you to take home and love.  Just what was it you were looking for in a pet?"

The woman seemed to consider thoughtfully for a moment.  "I want one that makes me look cool."

"I'm sorry?"

'Well one of my friends just got one of those little dogs, and she takes it with her everywhere in a little purse.  And people always pay lots of attention to her when she has the dog, so I guess I want something like that, but not as yappy.  Something cooler."

"I see," said the clerk, stroking his chin as he considered some options.  "So you don't want a small dog, huh?  How about a big dog, one you can lead around on a leash?"  He pointed to several cages behind him, where several fine specimens of dogs, representing a variety of breeds waited eagerly to be adopted.

"Hmmm.  Don't they poop everywhere and you have to pick up their crap off the ground?"

"Well....yes, that is one part of owning a dog, but they are also very loyal and can offer-"

"No dogs.  What else do you have?"

He indicated another set of cages, where sleek, playful kittens tumbled around, their bright eyes fixing her with hopeful gazes.

"How about a cat?  They use a litter box and are very affectionate."

"Can you carry one around with you in a little purse?"

"I....don't really recommend that, no.  But they are great for small apartments."

"And these litter boxes, do they smell?"

The clerk seemed confused, but continued on bravely.  "Well yes, you need to scoop them out regularly or they do tend to smell."

"Uh huh.  So you can't really show them off except at your home, and then they mostly lay around and piss on things, right?"

"Well..."

"Pass.  What else can I use to get attention?"

"How about a bird?"

"Are they impressive looking?"

The clerk brightened and led her to a row of free standing cages filled with birds of every imaginable color.  "Oh yes!  We have some birds with quite striking plumage, sure to draw the attention of anyone who sees you."

"Can you take them around with you?"

"Well, that can be somewhat problematic, since even birds with clipped wings can fly away from you, so we usually don't recommend that either.  But many of them talk."

"They do?"

"Yes, they can learn some phrases and repeat them."

"Well, I guess that's pretty cool.  How do I tell them what to say?"

"Oh, they just pick up certain phrases over time."

"So I can't control what they say?  They just repeat whatever they feel like and don't actually understand what they are saying?  No thanks.   Anything more exotic?"

The clerk led the woman over to a corner of the store where a large terrarium and several glass tanks sat under heat lamps.

"Here is our reptile corner.  We have turtles, lizards, snakes, plenty of exotic choices."

"This turtle here do any tricks?"

The clerk sighed resignedly.  "No.  He just sort of lives in the water."

"So he's a bumpy rock that I have to feed and clean?  No sale.  How about these lizards?"

"Well they are certainly exotic, and they help keep your house clear of bugs."

The woman gave him an icy stare "That's what I have exterminators for.  Can I carry one around with me?"

"Sure, they can ride right on your shoulder, they're very docile."

"What does 'docile' mean?"

"It means that they are very calm, and basically just sit there not doing much at..." he could see from her face that this was not what she was looking for.

"Perhaps you might like a snake?  They can be worn easily and they definitely draw attention."

She shook her head and said dismissively, "snakes are for weirdoes.  I want to impress my friends, not drive them away."

The clerk was thinking hard, trying to figure out what sort of animal this shallow woman could appreciate.  As he did so, her gaze wandered around the store until she saw a display at the very front of the establishment, and her eyes widened.

"What is that?"

The clerk saw where she was looking and was taken aback.

"That is a baby, ma'am.  A human baby."

"Yes!  That's what I need!  I want a child!"

"Oh, I'm not sure that's such a good idea, ma'am."

"What do you mean?  My friend Heather just got one and she absolutely loves it!  And everywhere she goes, people fawn all over her, saying how cute it is."

The clerk considered how best to proceed for a moment before saying, "it's just that...there is a lot of work involved with having a baby."

"Like what?"

"Well, remember when you asked about dogs and cats and how they poop a lot?  Well babies poop and pee all the time, and they need your help to take care of it."

"Yes, but don't they just use those little, what do you call them, the little crap bags you wrap around their butts?"

"You mean diapers?"

"Right!  I've seen my friend Heather do it, you just stick them on, and when they get full, just throw 'em away and get a new one.  And they make the most fabulous bags to carry them around in!  I can get one to match every outfit I have."

"Ma'am, there's a lot of work in taking care of a baby.  They need constant care and feeding at the beginning."

"Oh that's nothing.  You just give them bottles or breastfeed them  Heather has this adorable privacy wrap thing that she wears when she does that.  Boy you should see how much attention she gets when she does that.  And then later you can buy their special food right in the grocery store."

The clerk tried to bring up another point, but was cut off as she continued, becoming more and more excited by the prospect.

"Ooh, and the clothes!  I can dress it up in the most amazing little outfits!"

"You realize the commitment involved don't you?"  Asked the clerk, interrupting her reverie.  "You will have to watch them basically 24/7 for the first few years.  That's a lot of effort."

She frowned.  "You're right, I'll have to get a nanny!  That's a great idea, she can take care of the changing and feeding at home, and I can just worry about taking the baby out to show it off!"

"But they grow up, you know; they don't remain babies forever."

"Oh I know that.  As they grow, I'll just buy them new outfits.  And I'll teach them all about fashion and society.  And we can go shopping together, and I can enroll them in all kinds of activities so I'll have something to brag about to my friends.  And once they are old enough, I won't need the nanny anymore, because the schools will watch them during the day for free."

It was apparent to the hapless clerk that she would not be dissuaded, but he felt he had to try.

"Are you certain you want a baby?  Wouldn't you perhaps like to look at the small dogs again, just to be sure?"

"Oh God, no.  You have to get a license to have a dog.  Who needs that much hassle?"