In studying the history of ancient cultures such as Ancient Murica, one can often trace the inception of deeply-held national values, and track their development.
One such aspect of the Murican character was the complex economic relationship known as the safety-freedom exchange. We know that the Ancient Murican people enjoyed in currency and commodity trading, both as a central tenet of their religious practices, but also as recreation. But this particular exchange was apparently woven into the political structure, and was a key element of the peaceful transfer of power between regimes.
The Murican political system was a tribal affair, with executive power shared between a sacrificial public figurehead known as a "President," and a council of elders known as "Congress." Each had their power checked by something called "Gridlock," which archaeological evidence suggests was a powerful robotic dinosaur, and only the tribe who could defeat this beast could expect to enact any meaningful changes.
There were two tribes at this time, known as Republicans and Democrats, each represented by a totem animal and color (Recent discoveries form the sunken city of Angeles suggest these tribes may have had their roots in smaller tribes known as "Crips" and "Bloods." Although some have suggested this is merely a coincidence, the similarities in the colors and vehemence inherent in the rivalry offers strong evidence for this theory.)
There is evidence that smaller "third parties" existed at the fringes of this society, eking out a living as hunter gatherers, or serving as a priesthood caste, extolling the masses with promises of a better life in some fictional paradise that never manifested. It is believed that this was a minor cult, and largely based around the use of cannabinoid substances.
In order to minimize bloodshed, each of the two tribes would control one half of the government for a period of eight years, and then each would exchange places with great pomp and ceremony. One of the most sacred aspects of this power shift was the symbolic transfer of control of the resources of freedom and national security.
Although today we understand these are complex abstract concepts, the Ancient Muricans believed them to be tangible assets that could be traded, hoarded and allocated at will. Thus each party in charge would be assigned one of these resources with which they were tasked to defend. Each would loudly advocate the primacy of their own resource, only to later recant those statements when the positions were reversed.
By all accounts this led to spirited (but purely symbolic) exchanges between tribes, and may have served as mock combat, in an attempt to prevent the very real violence that simmered beneath the surface of the society, as seen in the art and literature of the time (see Hogarth's study "The Martyrdom of Honey Boo Boo: Child Sacrifice and Class Shaming in Ancient Murica.")
This tradition started after the great Murican National Tragedy of 2001. To commemorate this solemn event, the Security-Freedom Exchange was instituted, with all due ritual.
This ritual took the form of an antiphonal response similar to those in Pre-Schism Catholicism. One side would identify a perceived slight to "Privacy" (a familiar and vital concept to Pretelepathic cultures,) and place the blame for this affront upon the current tribe wielding executive power. The faction charged with the defense of "Freedom" would craft this specific complaint into a mantra for thier followers, while those charged with defending "Security" would prepare a defense, based on whatever threat or villain most dominated the current zeitgeist.
Each side would present their argument with passion and vehemence, while denouncing the response of the other. Nothing actually occurred or changed as a result of these debates, but each felt they had done their part to defend their concept. Then, eight years later, they would completely reverse their attitudes, and take up a new argument, and the cycle continued.
These mantras have been carefully preserved through the ages, and provide us with a fascinating insight into the changing Murican mindset. Here are the tribal litanies from the start of the third millennium (Pre Hitchens Dating,) right up to the dissolution of the union during the bloody holy wars that brought about the second Age of Darkness.
Years: 2000-2008
Reign: George Bush II
Tribe: Republican
Origin: Connecticut/Texas (disputed)
Complaint: "The Patriot Act gives undue powers to the government, allowing them to invade our privacy via warrantless wiretapping and access to library records!"
Response: "We need those powers to fight Al Qaeda and bring Osama Bin Laden to justice!"
Years: 2008-2016
Reign: Barack Obama (first hypermelanine president)
Tribe: Democrat
Origin: Hawaii/Kenya (disputed)
Complaint: "The NSA has been illegally reading our emails and spying on journalists!"
Response: "We need those powers to prevent another attack like the Boston Marathon bombing!
Years: 2016-2024
Reign: Harold Whiteman
Tribe: Republican
Origin: Texas
Complaint: "Public schools now require DNA swabs to receive free or reduced lunches!
Response: "We need those powers to intercept communiques from the Quebec Secessionist Army!"
Years: 2032-2040
Reign: Janice Paulson (first female president)
Tribe: Democrat
Origin: New York
Complaint: "CIA drones are being used to watch Americans 24/7, and missiles are being deployed for overdue library books!"
Response: "We need those powers to apprehend cyborg soda runners from Mexican corn syrup cartels!"
Years: 2040-2048
Reign: Harold Whiteman II
Tribe: Republican
Origin: Texas
Complaint: "The Mom and Apple Pie Act allows for extraordinary rendition of U.S. citizens for misdemeanors and traffic offenses!"
Response: "We need those powers to stop Icelandic ninjagers from entering the country to harvest pituitary glands from our children!"
Years: 2048-2056
Reign: Pedro Goldberg-Morales (first Jewish/Hispanic president)
Tribe: Democrat
Origin: Puerto Rico
Complaint: "Government agents are allowed to review our Facebook posts and tweets for grammar errors!"
Response: "We need those powers to stem the tide of illegally cloned humans being imported as hunting stock!"
Years: 2056-2064
Reign: Harold Whiteman III
Tribe: Republican
Origin: Lunar Base 2 ("New Texas")
Complaint: "Corporations are allowed to trademark our DNA, and charge us for the right to grow replacement organs for transplant!"
Response: "We need those powers because HOLY SHIT, SPIDERS!"
Years: 2064-2072
Reign: John Average Hooman
Tribe: Puppet ruler for Arachnos Collective
Origin: Earth (disputed)
Complaint: None. (All forms of dissent during the occupation were suppressed.)
Years: 2072-2080
Reign: BigDick HaxxorLord6969 (first president elected via internet voting)
Tribe: Democrat
Origin: Your Mom (disputed)
Complaint: "Nanodrones have been introduced to the water supply allowing instantaneous monitoring of all citizens, internally and externally!"
Response: "We need those powers to root out terrorist cells supporting Team Edward In Exile!"
Years: 2080-2088
Reign: Harold Whiteman I (clone)
Tribe: Republican
Origin: Hydrobase 432 (formerly Texas)
Complaint: "Corporate 'involuntary unpaid internships' are slavery!"
Response: "We need those powers to defend against the robot armies of Carl Blaszkiewicz!" (See files on Carlinian Empire)
Years: 2088-2096
Reign: Brian Robinson/Glen Vazquez (first melded president)
Tribe: Democrat
Origin: Occupied Canadian Territories
Complaint: "The mind probe matrix represents a clear breach of unlawful search and seizure!"
Response: "We need those powers to locate agents of the Martian Ascendancy!"
Years: 2096-2104
Reign: Ronald Reagan (cloned brain mounted on chimp body "Bonzo")
Tribe: Republican
Origin: Dimension 64f
Complaint: "Use of predictive algorithms gives the government unfair pre knowledge of events!"
Response: "Use of predictive algorithms gives the government unfair pre knowledge of events!"
Year 2104
Reign: Will Anderson (first gay president)
Tribe: Democrat
Origin: Vermont Archipelago
*This was the last free election, and Anderson's inauguration sparked the beginning of Culture War I, which lasted nearly fifty years and cost millions of lives. By all accounts, it was the bloodiest, most callous and best decorated conflict in human history, and ushered in the Second Age of Darkness.
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