Sound Advice

It is common wisdom that if a saying or aphorism has lasted for generations, and is repeated daily by countless members of our society, that there must be truth to it.  Indeed, the argument runs that such longevity and ubiquity must stem from its veracity, as borne out by the life experiences of those who repeat it.

And yet, despite the soundness of this logic, it is nonetheless complete crap, like most 'common wisdom,' (such things are called common wisdom for a reason.)

There are in fact plenty of popular sayings that, despite their status as cherished perennial truisms, are utterly useless to actual human beings in their actual lives.

Because popularity does not equal quality.  Now I'm not making a point about how subjective taste can be (different strokes etc.)  No, even when the majority of a group agree to a set of criteria, and setting aside the statistical outliers who fall outside the curve (anchovy eaters, Linux users, fans of New Coke,) you will still find examples that violate these standards that inexplicably rise to prominence.

Let us consider the film industry.  While we all have our own quirks and preferences when it comes to movies (preferring the theatrical cut of Blade Runner, for example,) there are a few basic benchmarks that establish a film as good, and the majority can generally agree on those films that do and do not adhere to these guidelines; you may not like the Godfather or Jaws, but nearly everyone agrees as to the high quality of the filmmaking involved.  Likewise, your candle will burn down to its stub if you venture forth like Diogenes to roam the town looking for a human being who does not agree that Highlander II was a steaming bowl of shit.

And yet there are films that we all know are bad.  We simply know it, deep in our bones, long before we step into the theater.  We see the previews and think to ourselves, "wow, that looks terrible.  I will have to go see it with people I love, thus sharing how awful it will be."

We are aware of what makes a great film, and we realize when we are watching a film that has none of it.  But we watch, and we gain pleasure from its awfulness, like cinematic schadenfreude, reveling in the failure of the filmmakers with vicarious embarrassment.  It's pretty messed up

But then there's music.

Everyone's sphincters just tightened a little there, didn't they?  Because we all get sensitive about our choice of music, as if that one criterion is the ultimate measure of our worth (which it might be, I'm still not entirely sure.)

We get defensive about a lot of the music we listen to, because we have placed so much import on music in our culture.  To have bad taste in music is to have a poor grasp on value in general.  So when someone starts talking about what music is good and what isn't we get defensive about being judged ("mustn't reveal my fanatical obsession with ABBA lest I be considered a weirdo!")

But sometimes the reason we get embarrassed about out musical taste is because we know that what we like is objectively not good.  We understand the parameters of good music, and clearly see how our chosen music may not meet those stringent criteria.  But we don't care, we simply like it.

And that is fine.  There's nothing wrong with liking Justin Bieber, even if you know that in twenty years, no one is going to remember anything he did.  He fills a niche, and that makes him a superstar.  But it sure as hell aint for the classic sound of his music.

But what the hell does any of this have to do with aphorisms?  I'm getting there.  Because as we discussed, just like music can be popular without being good, aphorisms can be popular and still full of crap.

And when you combine these two?  Even bigger crap.

Because popular music has a tendency to spout platitudes of the basest, most insipid sort; meaningless drivel that is the linguistic version of a large glob of phlegmy sputum; we understand you felt the need to get it out, and that you feel better now that you have, but the rest of us did not feel the need to be exposed to it.

Don't always listen to the crap that popular songs tell you, is what I am saying I guess.

So to clarify, here are a few things to remember before you look to musicians for life advice:

1. If you live like there's no tomorrow, every morning will be terrible.
2. On that subject, this moment is very fleeting.  See?  It's gone now.  Don't live for it, try to live in a manner that allows for more moments, preferably ones wherein you are financially solvent and free from incarceration.
3. Love is only ONE of the things you need, and honestly, it's one of the first things you can afford to give up.
4. DO stop believing when presented with evidence.  That's just a basic part of growing up, man.
5. If you can't be with the one you love, wait.  
6. If he can come and get it when he's ready, then chances are that when he's ready, you might not want to be got.
7. Forget the other 49, there is only one good way to leave your lover; politely excuse yourself.
8. I don't care if you two really do have a groovy kind of love, you should still get to know them better as a person; you'll be spending a lot of boring rainy tuesdays together, and you're going to want to share some interests.
9. If you want to know if he loves you so it's in his actions.  Being a good kisser has never stopped any guy from turning out to be a schmuck.
10. If everyone around you says he's no good for you; consider listening to them.  They are not blinded by passion, and consequently may have a more grounded take on the situation.
11. If you want to sing out, please do so in an appropriate time and place.  That's just basic consideration.
12. Superman, the Lone Ranger, and Jim are all fictional figures, so that advice is moot.  The thing about spitting in the wind seems like common sense, however.
13. If you're going to San Francisco, wear a jacket.  That wind gets chilly (and flowers would just look silly.)
14. If you feel that getting caught between the moon and New York City is ever a remote possibility, be sure to travel with a spacesuit and parachute.
15. If you live like no one is watching, you will get caught.  Someone always is.
16. What doesn't kill you could make you much, much weaker actually.  Many STD's for example...
17. If he belonged with you, he would have made a move.  You should really move on.
18. While I agree with the sentiment, you actually can't chase waterfalls, they are entirely stationary.  So... kind of a moot point again there.
19. The only time you should listen to your heart is if you are a cardiologist.  Listen to your brain, and then only after making sure it has been well fed with informations germane to the subject.
20. Turns out, you do need money to live.  Sorry.

These are just some of the more idiotic bits of advice offered by songs throughout the ages.  I will certainly think of a dozen more right after I post this.

So until next post, remember that no matter who you are, it's probably a terrible idea for you to party like it was 1999.  I don't know what you were doing then, but I know a lot has changed for me in fourteen years, so it is probably not a good idea for you, either.