Fight The Power!

"Just come right out and say it, 'I want your money, taxpayer!' because that's what you are really here today to say.

You come around here smiling and simpering like an innocent child, but that game doesn't play with me.  I see you for what you really are, the System.  And I don't just mean that you work for the System, or that you are a small part of it, you are the System.

Every little cog and wheel like yourself is a microcosm of the System, each part as culpable as the rest.  All it would take was for each of you to one day wake up and realize what you were doing.  Just one day open your eyes, and look around and say 'what the hell am I doing with my life?  Why am I putting on the uniform of oppression and going out today to take people's money?'  If you realized that, you could just walk away from this life.  If enough of you did that, the whole System would come crashing down.

But you can't even imagine that can you?  The thought is utterly radical and foreign to your thoughts.  You truly believe in your addled brains that you are the good guys, don't you?  That people want you to come around and push your agenda, smile in their faces while you take their money and give them garbage.  And you expect us to be grateful for your 'service,' don't you?

You traipse along in your splendid ignorance, secure in the knowledge that you are right, that your sanctimonious beliefs will make you better than the 'regular folks.'  That your shiny uniform doesn't grant you the authority to act, but the God-given mandate to make the world a better place.

Well guess what?  I reject your vision, I reject the System, and I reject you.  Moreover I denounce you. I denounce you, and all your fellow lock-stepping minions of the faceless, corrupt institution that sends you drones out to harass and shake down citizens who are just trying to hold on to what little money we have left.

And one day, you will grow up and realize you can no longer be part of the System.  You may not think so, but one day you will no longer be willing to wear their colors and follow their orders.  You will become sick of the hollow ceremony and pure meaninglessness of this existence, and you will have to leave.  You will have to, because you will know that you can no longer take part in the sham.

But until then, I denounce everything you stand for.  I despise the code you follow, the values you espouse, and the very oaths you have sworn to an outmoded, decrepit and oppressive organization."

"Oooookay.  That's....neat, mister.  Does that mean you don't want any cookies?"

"I never said that, God damn it!  Give me three boxes of Thin Mints and a Samoas and get the hell out of my sight!"

Whosoever Shall Smite Thee On Thy Right Cheek...

Recently, someone I know in passing posted a political cartoon that showed Tim Tebow declaring that he is a Christian, and a passing reporter tells him to "keep it to himself."  In the next panel, NBA player Jason Collins declares that he is gay, and the same reporter is shown eagerly asking for his story and calling him a hero.

The individual who posted this then went on to say that soon Christians won't want to identify themselves because of all the hate and persecution they face today, and went on to say that it is harder and harder to be a Christian these days.

Now to start off, I want to point out that the cartoon itself is bullshit.  I don't care what your views on Christianity or homosexuality are, the idea that no one cares that Tebow is a Christian is beyond preposterous.  I am as far from a sports fan as one can get, and I know who Tim Tebow is.

Is that because he's a great player?  No, I know the names of maybe two other NFL players, and I had to think hard to come up with them.  But I sure as heck know Tim Tebow's name.  I don't know what position he plays, or what team he is on, but I know him for one signature fact:  He's a proud Christian.

It is pretty much ALL I know about him.  The fact that he does a Rodin-inspred pose to pray before games is such a well documented occurrence that it spawned the meme of 'Tebowing,' wherein someone crouches down on one knee in imitation of the athlete's signature move.

To think that no one is interested in the man's faith is the most ridiculous form of pig-headed self delusion.  As to the hoopla surrounding Mr. Collins' revelation (I actually had not heard about it until reading the aforementioned comic, I assume there was one?) that is because it has not happened before.

A professional athlete, especially an NBA player (as opposed to say, a golfer,) coming out as gay is newsworthy because it is news (as in new.)  As a novel event, and one sure to inspire heated discussion, which is how the news media (mainstream or not, thank you,) makes it's bread, of course people will report on it.

But Tim Tebow?  Isn't he like last year's news?  Has he murdered a white woman and led police on a painfully slow chase lately?  If not, the fact that he belongs to the single most prevalent religion in this country hardly seems like a reason for reporters to beat down his door for interviews (if he is like, really bad at footballing lately or something, and people are talking about that or something, I don't honestly know, but the Christian thing seems pretty passé.)

Now that that is out of the way, let's discuss the whole 'persecution of Christians' thing.  As a white (nominally) Christian male of between 25-45 years of age, I think I can speak a little on the subject of being safely in the majority.

And I certainly will not deny the charges that people attack Christians and Christianity in general.  If you go on the internet (and you really shouldn't other than to read my blogs,) you will find tons of hateful memes and jokes about Christianity, or pictures of those wacky Westboro Baptist kids out doing their hilarious 'we want everyone to hate us' schtick (wait, you mean they're serious?) and painting all Christians with the same brush.

So let me put this right out there.  Of course Christians are being persecuted.  Of course Christians are the subject of hate speech, and of course people point to isolated individuals with crazy ideals and appalling actions and hold them up as representatives of Christianity in general, in an unfair attempt to tarnish the reputation of the entire faith.

You know who else has to endure such hateful treatment and shameful ignominy?  Every other fucking group in the country.

"People are making fun of Christians!"
"People are trying to keep us from worshipping how we want!"
"People are portraying us in a negative light in the media!"

All true.  Now grow the hell up.

You don't like the fact that some people don't like you for your religion?  Why the hell should you be any different from the other dozens of religions?  Go complain to your non-radical Muslim friend (it's true!  They do exist!) about people not understanding that you are not all hate-mongering zealots.  Go tell your Jewish neighbor that you are tired of people pushing their religions in your face (like say, in winter, when he lights up that tacky menorah.)  And when you are at the company picnic, turn to your Jainist coworker how you are sick of people not understanding your faith as you swat the flies that try to land on your cheeseburger.

But don't act like you've been singled out for excoriation by a callous, unfeeling world of nonbelievers whose sole aim is to destroy your faith and mock your belief system.

Because you aren't that special.

People all over the country are actively involved with not liking others who are different.  People all over the country, regardless of their religious beliefs are forced to bear scorn from others of different sects.  And from sea to whining sea, people are complaining that other people around them don't show the proper respect for their faith.

It's probably the one thing that unites all creeds and faiths; Jews, Hindus, Atheists, Zoroastrians, Muslims (Sunni and Shia,) Sikhs and Subgenii all complain of having to put up with scorn, ignorance, insults, persecution, mockery and active attempts to convert them to a different, 'true' faith.  Happens to everyone sooner or later.

It's just so much funnier when Christians do it.

Because let's face it, while we don't live in a "Christian nation" inasmuch as there is room for all creeds here, and that people of all faiths have been and ever will be instrumental in creating the awesome nation we have today (seriously, no matter what flaws we have today, if you don't see how great a country we have here, you cray,) but we are about as Christian as you can get short of a complete theocracy when it comes to overall cultural background count.

Judeo-Christian beliefs and practices are ingrained into the fabric of this nation's culture, altering our calendar, our governmental policies, and the very language itself (another hot button issue I've mentioned before.)  If you accuse your differently-faithed friend of being a Judas, he or she will not be offended that you are using a term from your religion, he or she will be offended that you are accusing them of betrayal.  Should you identify someone as a good samaritan for their altruism, they are more likely to simply thank you for the compliment than to look quizzically at you and point out that that particular region now goes by a different name.  And when you tell a non-Christian associate who shares a problem with you that said difficulty is simply their cross to bear, they aren't going to be upset that you are using your own religion to describe their situation, they're just going to think you are a jerk for not giving a crap about their problem.

Piss and moan all you want whenever someone says we shouldn't put the ten commandments in every courthouse, but I'll bet I can find more non-Christians who not only know when Christmas is, but who can explain its religious significance than Christians who can explain what Purim is, or the differences in Shiites and Sunnis, or can explain the beliefs of... crap, who are those guys with the long beards and the nifty turbans?  Is it 'terrorists?'  I'll just go with 'terrorists' (seems to work for the TSA.)

It's like when white guys complain that we are pictured badly in the media and openly mocked, like in those commercials, where we are shown as bumbling idiots, incapable of taking care of children, relying instead on the infinitely wiser women, born with the innate talent of nurturing, to save us from our own stupidity.  Does that happen?  All the time.  Is it hurtful to those of us who actually do know one end of a baby from the other?  Yup.  Does it make us look like whiny little bitches to say this to women and minorities who can hop online and look at how they were openly portrayed in the past?  Big yup (seriously though, check out the old time ads, they are awesomely funny, as long as you are white and male, in which case, high five, brother oppressor, we rule!)

Jesus had a few choice words about loving thy neighbor and turning the other cheek.  Maybe it's time to actually go back and read those teachings, and put your own sufferings in perspective.  If the cross you must bear is being denied total religious supremacy over all God's other misguided children ("what? I can't erect a nativity scene on government space, funded by the taxes of my neighbors of all religions? They'll be throwing us to the lions next!") then maybe you don't actually need to turn your cheek at all.  Your cheek is fine.

Because Jesus died on the cross, surely you can stand being an oppressed majority.

Here endeth the lesson, go in peace.  Amen

Sound Advice

It is common wisdom that if a saying or aphorism has lasted for generations, and is repeated daily by countless members of our society, that there must be truth to it.  Indeed, the argument runs that such longevity and ubiquity must stem from its veracity, as borne out by the life experiences of those who repeat it.

And yet, despite the soundness of this logic, it is nonetheless complete crap, like most 'common wisdom,' (such things are called common wisdom for a reason.)

There are in fact plenty of popular sayings that, despite their status as cherished perennial truisms, are utterly useless to actual human beings in their actual lives.

Because popularity does not equal quality.  Now I'm not making a point about how subjective taste can be (different strokes etc.)  No, even when the majority of a group agree to a set of criteria, and setting aside the statistical outliers who fall outside the curve (anchovy eaters, Linux users, fans of New Coke,) you will still find examples that violate these standards that inexplicably rise to prominence.

Let us consider the film industry.  While we all have our own quirks and preferences when it comes to movies (preferring the theatrical cut of Blade Runner, for example,) there are a few basic benchmarks that establish a film as good, and the majority can generally agree on those films that do and do not adhere to these guidelines; you may not like the Godfather or Jaws, but nearly everyone agrees as to the high quality of the filmmaking involved.  Likewise, your candle will burn down to its stub if you venture forth like Diogenes to roam the town looking for a human being who does not agree that Highlander II was a steaming bowl of shit.

And yet there are films that we all know are bad.  We simply know it, deep in our bones, long before we step into the theater.  We see the previews and think to ourselves, "wow, that looks terrible.  I will have to go see it with people I love, thus sharing how awful it will be."

We are aware of what makes a great film, and we realize when we are watching a film that has none of it.  But we watch, and we gain pleasure from its awfulness, like cinematic schadenfreude, reveling in the failure of the filmmakers with vicarious embarrassment.  It's pretty messed up

But then there's music.

Everyone's sphincters just tightened a little there, didn't they?  Because we all get sensitive about our choice of music, as if that one criterion is the ultimate measure of our worth (which it might be, I'm still not entirely sure.)

We get defensive about a lot of the music we listen to, because we have placed so much import on music in our culture.  To have bad taste in music is to have a poor grasp on value in general.  So when someone starts talking about what music is good and what isn't we get defensive about being judged ("mustn't reveal my fanatical obsession with ABBA lest I be considered a weirdo!")

But sometimes the reason we get embarrassed about out musical taste is because we know that what we like is objectively not good.  We understand the parameters of good music, and clearly see how our chosen music may not meet those stringent criteria.  But we don't care, we simply like it.

And that is fine.  There's nothing wrong with liking Justin Bieber, even if you know that in twenty years, no one is going to remember anything he did.  He fills a niche, and that makes him a superstar.  But it sure as hell aint for the classic sound of his music.

But what the hell does any of this have to do with aphorisms?  I'm getting there.  Because as we discussed, just like music can be popular without being good, aphorisms can be popular and still full of crap.

And when you combine these two?  Even bigger crap.

Because popular music has a tendency to spout platitudes of the basest, most insipid sort; meaningless drivel that is the linguistic version of a large glob of phlegmy sputum; we understand you felt the need to get it out, and that you feel better now that you have, but the rest of us did not feel the need to be exposed to it.

Don't always listen to the crap that popular songs tell you, is what I am saying I guess.

So to clarify, here are a few things to remember before you look to musicians for life advice:

1. If you live like there's no tomorrow, every morning will be terrible.
2. On that subject, this moment is very fleeting.  See?  It's gone now.  Don't live for it, try to live in a manner that allows for more moments, preferably ones wherein you are financially solvent and free from incarceration.
3. Love is only ONE of the things you need, and honestly, it's one of the first things you can afford to give up.
4. DO stop believing when presented with evidence.  That's just a basic part of growing up, man.
5. If you can't be with the one you love, wait.  
6. If he can come and get it when he's ready, then chances are that when he's ready, you might not want to be got.
7. Forget the other 49, there is only one good way to leave your lover; politely excuse yourself.
8. I don't care if you two really do have a groovy kind of love, you should still get to know them better as a person; you'll be spending a lot of boring rainy tuesdays together, and you're going to want to share some interests.
9. If you want to know if he loves you so it's in his actions.  Being a good kisser has never stopped any guy from turning out to be a schmuck.
10. If everyone around you says he's no good for you; consider listening to them.  They are not blinded by passion, and consequently may have a more grounded take on the situation.
11. If you want to sing out, please do so in an appropriate time and place.  That's just basic consideration.
12. Superman, the Lone Ranger, and Jim are all fictional figures, so that advice is moot.  The thing about spitting in the wind seems like common sense, however.
13. If you're going to San Francisco, wear a jacket.  That wind gets chilly (and flowers would just look silly.)
14. If you feel that getting caught between the moon and New York City is ever a remote possibility, be sure to travel with a spacesuit and parachute.
15. If you live like no one is watching, you will get caught.  Someone always is.
16. What doesn't kill you could make you much, much weaker actually.  Many STD's for example...
17. If he belonged with you, he would have made a move.  You should really move on.
18. While I agree with the sentiment, you actually can't chase waterfalls, they are entirely stationary.  So... kind of a moot point again there.
19. The only time you should listen to your heart is if you are a cardiologist.  Listen to your brain, and then only after making sure it has been well fed with informations germane to the subject.
20. Turns out, you do need money to live.  Sorry.

These are just some of the more idiotic bits of advice offered by songs throughout the ages.  I will certainly think of a dozen more right after I post this.

So until next post, remember that no matter who you are, it's probably a terrible idea for you to party like it was 1999.  I don't know what you were doing then, but I know a lot has changed for me in fourteen years, so it is probably not a good idea for you, either.

Why The Future Will Be Chair

I have been teaching teenagers for over fifteen years years now, and in that time, I've seen a lot of changes in the slang they use.  Such events are not unusual; the process has gone on for as long as humans have used language.  Language is a living thing after all, and new terms will be invented to deal with new situations, other terms will fade into obscurity.  That is simply the nature of language itself.

But slang is often a different creature.  Slang, by its definition, often deals with concepts that are illicit, taboo, or not for the ears of outsiders.  In many cases, slang terms are created for things that already have perfectly capable words attached to them.  Such neologisms are not created to fill a niche or clarify a concept, they are simply to rebrand a universal concept, to keep it arcane, mysterious, or endemic to a particular subculture.

Slang is there for you not to get.

Because you are not cool, dig?

Teenagers (and teenage subcultures) are usually the breeding ground for slang.  You can invent your own way to describe alcoholic beverages for example (hooch, booze, crunk juice, what have you,) but if the teenagers don't start saying it, it never catches on.  Teens are purveyors of slang, even if they themselves do not tend to create the terms themselves (that's what celebrities are for.)

Teens take this role because language is one of the few areas of their lives that they have any control over.  Others (parents, school, The Man,) may tell them where to go and how to dress, but language is one of the forms of rebellion it is nearly impossible to stop.  You may punish a kid for vulgarity, but they can just create new words for things that already exist.  They do not need to use such words, they do it because they are not your words.  Dictionaries are for squares, after all, and the looks of confusion on parents' faces is all the justification required to rewrite one's personal lexicon.

This is all academic of course, until you come up against it.  When we are teenagers, we all used slang, but those were logical, reasonable words.  Our parents didn't get it simply because that particular generation was inflexible and hidebound.  We, our own intellectually limber generation, were able to adapt our minds, and thus we need never fear being caught off guard, we will simply adjust to the times.  We can adapt, we can remain current, and we can be cool.

Riiiiight.

When I first started as a substitute teacher during last millennium, I was confident I would have no trouble relating to the kids of the day.  After all, I was a fresh faced twenty six year old, who still listened to modern music, still watched the same TV and movies that were pitched to the 18-35 demographic, and still understood how the world worked for young people.  I was hip.

But I discovered that I was most definitely not 'bout it bout it.'

Because as a teacher, you have to deal with all the kids, from every little subculture.  When you are in school, you hang out with the kids whose outlook (and style) matches your own.  But when you are at the front of the class, it doesn't matter that you are up to date on the newest Blink 182 album, if you can't quote Master P, who's got time for you?

But more than that, in the eight years since I'd graduated high school, language (slanguage?) and youth culture had made quantum leaps forward (the direction is always debatable, but the movement is undeniable.)  I was so far behind the curve, nobody knew what 'behind the curve' meant ("is that a sex thing, Mr. Crumpler?"*)

But so what, right?  I'm just another crusty old grown up who doesn't get what the kids are saying, certainly nothing new there.  But here's the thing; I have been watching over the past decade plus, and it's accelerating.

I'm not merely saying that there is change, I am saying that the delta, the rate of change, is increasing at alarming speeds.  I mean "sci-fi disaster movie look at this computer projection and notice how the whole map turns red in four or five stages" level of alarming.

I used to make a joke with my classes.  It started as an unplanned outburst of frustration one day, but I continued using as a rallying point about ridiculous use of slang.  I told the kids that just as the rug of language had been pulled out from under my own feet, and the feet of all those generations before me, they too would one day have to deal with children of their own, who would come home with words in the wrong place.  And when they would confront their children with their confusion, those hypothetical future kids would roll their eyes (hard to do with the cornea piercings that are surely in development now,) and say:

"Oh Mom/Dad, You're so chair."

And we would all have a good laugh at the thought that a simple, innocuous word like chair would one day be applied as a pejorative adjective.

But I can't tell that joke any more.  Because the reality is so much more stupid than that.  And before you say "but surely our parents and their parents thought the same thing?" No.  I am telling you, that I have been watching and studying, and I am telling you people, the slang is getting dumber.

Think I'm crazy?  Consider this: for generations, people came up with new terms for something by comparing it to something else.  It was never random, it was based on basic form of logic.  Think about the slang terms you know.

'Cool,' as a descriptor for a person makes perfect sense.  Traditionally, a cool person acted with reason and did not lose their temper or control.  Such traits are desirable, so the term comes into general use to describe something favorable and preferable.

Consider 'dope.'  Dope (from the Dutch,) originally meant a thick, soupy mess.  This was used to describe the semi -liquid variety of opium that was commonly smoked.  From there, it came to mean all drugs, and to describe someone as 'dopey' or simply 'a dope' made logical sense, since drugs do not elevate one's apparent intellect while under the influence.  Flash forward to a culture that idolizes (and idealizes) the culture around marijuana, the drug meant when one says dope today, and it's a no brainer as to why you would describing something positive in the context of counter culture as 'dope' ("that's a dope rhyme, yo.")

Hell, even Cockney rhyming slang makes sense once the convoluted backstory of each term has been laboriously explained.  'Bread' as a term for money comes from the phrase 'bread and honey,' which rhymes with 'money.'  Stupid, but logical.

Most terms undergo this long etymological vetting process.  Even if modern users are unaware of the (completely logical) origins of these phrases, they are merely deepening the the wheel ruts in the linguistic backroads of slang.

But now, people are just pulling this shit out of their asses.

The writing was on the wall for me when kids started saying things that they liked were "off the hook."  The first time I heard that I was genuinely staggered.  I thought the kid who said it was just sorely confused (well he was that also, but that was more of an everyday thing for him.)  I explained that he'd gotten it wrong, because that phrase meant "no longer in trouble for," or "no longer considered responsible or culpable for" something.

But no, it was everywhere.  "That party was off the hook," "that beat is off the hook," "this toasted pine nut and herbed goat cheese pizza is off the hook."  Maddening.

But it didn't stop there.  Sure you still get the occasional 'crunk,' or 'skeet' (just take my word for it, and don't ask,) but for the most part, nobody can think of any new slang terms any more.  They just reappropriate older terms, either slang expressions or normal words with common, established meanings.

Which brings me to 'ratchet.'

For those of you blissfully unaware, this term is used to define an individual (usually a female,) who behaves in a manner unfit for polite society.  The specific behaviors that this term denotes are those frowned upon by the urban, African-American community, and are presided over by the females of that population.

Such behaviors include, but are not limited to:

• having one's lace front misaligned
• allocating food stamps for fashion accessories
• possessing out of date personal communications technology
• lacking moral substance or being 'fake'
• utilizing synthetic materials in one's hair additions

Basically, it is a new term to call someone 'ghetto,' because that term is no longer stigmatized.  And that is fine, perhaps it was time for a new term, but 'ratchet?'  Why 'ratchet?'  Ratchet is already a word, it has a meaning, hell it has many meanings.  Most people think of it as a tool used to tighten bolts, not realizing that it really refers to the principal of a device allowing rotary motion in a single direction, utilizing a gear and pawl.

How the hell do we get from there to "one of those girls you see at the club and you are just all like 'I gotta take her picture, she whack'!' 

Ask the kids, and they have no idea whatsoever.  And they simply do not care.  This is the part that infuriates me; that they have zero curiosity regarding the etymology of their slang, and become irritated when you question them (these kids today, no respect for misanthropology.)

There's no reason to it, no guiding rationality.  It's maddening, it's insane, it's enough to drive you into a frothing, impotent rage.  It's just so... so...

Chair.

It's FUCKING CHAIR!  YOU ARE ALL CHAIR!  HA!  DOESN'T MAKE SENSE?  TOUGH NODULES, HIPPOCAMPI!

You see, I can reassign words too, and I know a metric fuckton more words to mislabel than you do, seersucker.

So you davenports can go ostracize your kraters in each other's phylogeny for all I care.  Because you will never be as cheeseburger as me and my kennings.  The more you nutsack the language with your igneous words, the more stelae like me will overcoat your efforts.

And when the wordpocalypse finally arrives, and no word means anything anymore (except 'fuck,' which is like the Highlander of oral communication,) and it becomes necessary to reboot the entire language, I and my fellow word nerds shall emerge from our shelters and spread forth upon the wasteland bearing the truth of the OED.  We shall reignite the guttering flame of English into a piercing beacon, to guide all forward into the light.

Word.






*Yes.  It is.