Dear Next President,
Today we had the second term inauguration of your predecessor, Barack Obama. That means that four years form now, we will have a new president, and I am writing this missive to you, whomever we have selected for that role.
To begin, congratulations. Whoever you are, you were elected fair and square, no matter what the opposition or crazy conspiracy nuts say. On a related note, I would like to apologize on behalf of my state, Florida, because we probably fucked up the process more than a little.
Now, I don't need to tell you that you've got a hard job in front of you. The economy will in no way be fixed by then, and the depressing unemployment numbers will continue to be the biggest headache you face. But it won't be the only one.
Whatever your party affiliation, either Republican or Democrat (or God-Shouting Gun Guys and Gay-Marrying Pot Persons, if the new naming conventions are followed,) you will face a weary, cynical world where every little flaw and difference is thrown into sharp relief by the Klieg lamp of partisan politics and a parasitic fifth estate that feeds on misery and strife.
The opposition party, and the media outlets that support it, will do all they can to paint you as a baby-eating, drug-peddling, France-loving, freedom-hating, hate-mongering, fat cat-coddling monster with bad breath, hidden agendas, and poor taste in music. You will be lambasted, vilified, and excoriated by people with masters degrees who will pretend to not even know such words in order to sway voters. You will be called an elitist by the elite, and indifferent to the poor by the wealthy. It's gonna suck.
I'd like to tell you that it won't be that bad, that there are some depths to which these jackals will not stoop, but there really is not. Anything they don't have the balls to accuse you of themselves, they will simply report about, telling the world that someone, somewhere thinks this, and merely imply that there could be truth to it. You just can't avoid this I'm afraid.
And your own supporters won't be saints either. People who voted for you will do some terrible things, and you will be held accountable. No matter how much you denounce their actions, be they bombings, shootings or simply unfortunate speech, their actions will be tied to you, and used against every good thing you've tried to do.
But I can do this much; I can support you. I may not agree with you, I may not have voted for you, and indeed, I may despise many of your opinions and actions. But you will be the president, and more importantly, you will be a human being.
So here is my promise to you, no matter what party you are in:
1) I will not say a thing about your family. That should be hallowed territory for anyone, whether public official or not. Speculating about your wife's possible criminal acts or making fun of her pet projects is fodder for the desperate and the douchey.
2) I will not question your heritage, parentage, or birth status. This is not the school yard, such name-calling does not belong in the political arena.
3) Unless you choose to identify yourself as such, I will NOT call you a Nazi or associate you with Hitler. I have read history, and I acknowledge that no matter how much I disagree with you, that does not make you a Nazi, and implying such pretty much eliminates any credibility I might have in future discussions.
4) When I hear about some horrible thing you have said, done, or have considered making into law, I will check with credible sources to verify it before I go spreading it around on Facebook or anywhere else, because loose lips may sink ships, but uninformed fingers should stay the hell off of keyboards.
5) No matter how much I despise your policies, I will not feel the need to denounce you to anyone I meet who supports you. Who they support is their own business, and friends, coworkers or parking attendants shouldn't have to defend their decisions to me.
I will do my best to uphold these principals, and try to set an example for others to do the same. If we reasonable folk can abide by these guidelines, we can leave the vitriol and hysteria to the crazies, and leave them to warn us all about who is and is not a puppet of the lizard people, as the internet was originally meant for.
I may not have voted for you, but I can certainly afford you the basic human dignities due to all Americans.
Good luck Mr. Future President.
P.S. Notice I said Mr. President. If you're a cootie-laden girl, I take back all that stuff about playing nice and will besmirch, slander and unleash the foulest of invective upon you. Because eww, girls. (
Nobody's perfect.
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