So after a brief hiatus of a few years (long, angry story,) I am back to running the Drama Club, and putting on plays for local elementary schools. It's a pain, and expensive, but I really do think it's the right thing to do, and I can't avoid it any more. So now we're back, and we just finished the last performances of the year.
This year, we were actually able to film our performance, and when I watched it, I was horrified. Not because you can't hear anything the kids are saying (PROJECT, GOD DAMN IT!) or the fact that one of the elementary kids in the audience sticks her head in the frame, constantly blotting out any character who is stage left, rather it was because of the intro.
For every show, I come out in front of the curtain and warm up the audience and admonish them to be nice and quiet so they can hear and stuff, and I make the same corny jokes every time, but the kids seem to respond to it. But I had never actually seen it on video.
Now, I know I'm fat, this is not a surprise to me, I mean I do own mirrors. But seeing myself on the video was just horrifying. As I may have mentioned once or twice, I am a kidney transplant recipient. But the word "transplant" is not strictly accurate, as my old kidneys are still inside me, as is typical in these situations, as it is dangerous to remove them, and if they are not immediately threatening, they just leave them in there. But because of my polycystic kidney disease, each of my old kidneys is the size of a 2-liter bottle of soda and comprised almost entirely of fluid-filled cysts (yeah, it's gonna be that kind of post, today.) These pointless behemoths push all my guts out and forward, so that even when I lose weight (about ten pounds, thanks for asking!) I'm still largely spherical about the midsection, giving me the "Disney comic relief character" variety of fatness. But my new kidney (thanks again, Dave!) is on my right side, and it too is pushed out by the twins, so I have a noticeable bulge in my gut on that side.
Standing on that elementary school stage, with the microphone stand dividing me down the middle, it really threw my bilateral asymmetry into sharp relief. On one side, I've just got this round gut, but on the other side, it looks as if my stomach is making a break for it, heaving itself over my belt in a mad dash for freedom. I look like the worst possible Frankenstein/hybrid thing, like a mad scientist sewed half of a fat guy to another, even fatter guy. And then added a beard.
So that's my new weight loss goal: I want to lose enough fat from between my organs so that my shiny new kidney does not make me look like I'm budding. I'm never going to have a beach-ready body (the best I can hope for is not to look like a beached body,) nor will I ever look "good." I've made my peace with this.
All I want is to look like a human, instead of needing my own separate entry in the Monster Manual next to the griffon or the owlbear.
